


I'll be here the rest of the way

by Xairathan



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 01:38:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12244605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xairathan/pseuds/Xairathan
Summary: Asuka doesn't know when Rei came back from the sea, or why Rei's following her. She wants it to stop.





	I'll be here the rest of the way

The main road out of Hakone has been severed in two. A landslide, piled as high as an EVA’s shins and equally forbidding, blocks the only way Asuka’s ever learned to leave the city.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Asuka mutters. She slams a fist against the sheer face of the rock pile, dislodging a puff of dust that rains pebbles on her feet. If she shoved any harder, maybe she’d get the whole thing collapsing. With her luck, it would topple right where she’s standing. It’d come down on top of her, and at the edge of that catastrophe would be Rei Ayanami, standing with her arms pinned to her sides, impassive as always.

Asuka looks back over her shoulder. Rei is still where she’d been before, at the top of the little crest in the road before it slopes downhill, watching silently. Even from such a distance, the piercing red of her eyes shines down upon Asuka, twin miniature suns, and she shudders. The landslide, connected to her through the fragile membrane of her skin, rumbles with her.

“Why’re you here?”

She hadn’t meant to speak out loud. The words had burst free from Asuka on their own; pried her mouth open and crawled out her throat. She takes her hand, still a fist, off the rocks and holds it helplessly up by her waist. Maybe if she ran fast enough, she’d be able to catch Rei before she got too far away, and hit her with the punch she’s been aching to give to something: she’s never remembered a time when Rei Ayanami ran.

“I want to see where you will go.”

From her vantage point, Asuka doesn’t see Rei’s mouth move. She shouldn’t be able to hear Rei from such a distance either, but the First Child’s voice rings clearly in her ears, like it was placed there. It couldn’t have been, but still Asuka narrows her eyes and thinks, _Get out of my head_ , as hard as she can. Just in case.

“You trying to torment me or something?” Asuka steps forward, advancing up the hillside. Strangely, Rei stays perfectly still. Asuka had expected her to start walking away, to put some distance between them, not stand there like-

Like she’s waiting for Asuka to come to her.

Asuka charges the rest of the way up the hill, giving it her best imitation of a sprint. So many days of lying motionless on the beach and sustaining herself on packaged snack food have taken her down a peg, but she’s still the pilot in the best physical shape. She would be, if the position of pilot still existed.

Rei doesn’t move, doesn’t do anything other than blink and tilt her head up to meet Asuka’s eyes as Asuka stumbles to a stop in front of her, so close that they’re nearly touching. Maybe they should be, Asuka thinks, and the only reason they aren’t is because this Rei is an illusion. She could reach out and try to shove this Rei away, and that would prove it.

“Well?” demands Asuka. “Say something!”

She watches Rei’s lips part from each other, then stop again. “No,” she whispers, and her mouth barely forms the shape of the word. “That is not my intent.”

Somehow, this answer angers Asuka more than a simple _yes_ , even an  _I don’t know_. Her knuckles pop, vibrating against each other, fingernails pushing deep into her palm. She could strike this Rei, push her aside. There’s no Commander or NERV to reprimand her for it now, and this isn’t even the Rei that Asuka had fought alongside for so long. No one would see what Asuka does to Rei this far out in the hills, if there was even anyone else alive.

Rei’s shoulder knocks solidly against Asuka’s as Asuka pushes past her. So she’s real, after all. That’s all Asuka needs to know. She storms away from Rei, her stride the most confident it’s been since she crawled on all fours up onto the beach. If Rei is real, then she can be lost in the unfamiliar maze of ruined skyscrapers and crumpled shopfronts, and she can be outrun.

As soon as Asuka rounds a bend in the road and that feeling of being watched is lifted from her shoulders, she takes off. The asphalt digs into the soles of her plugsuit, pointed bits that stab into the arches of her feet. Asuka ignores them and forces herself onward, down the winding stretch of road and back towards the city. If she can’t get away from here, she’ll get away from Rei. One way or the other, she’ll get what she wants, and that’s the important thing.

* * *

Through some strange whim of fate, Misato’s apartment block is one of the few buildings left standing, mostly whole. Some parts of the balconies have given way, bombarded by debris hailing down from above. Misato’s is one of them, its furthest corner gone, and it’s a twenty foot drop to the next balcony under it. One of Misato’s shirts is down there, a yellow one, its brightness muted by a thick layer of dust and the moonlight that shines down on it.

This place had never felt like home, but it’s the only place Asuka knows to return to. She retreats, shuffling backward, into the moonlit shadows of the apartment. At least here, she doesn’t have to acknowledge that the city’s gone, and can pretend for a moment that things could be normal again.

Walking down the hall to her bedroom, Asuka makes the mistake of turning her head too early. There in front of her, something she’d forgotten entirely about: Shinji’s room, somehow undisturbed by Third Impact. The sight of it sends a surge of anger burning down Asuka’s spine. Her foot lashes out against the door, and it smacks hard into the bedroom wall, embedding the doorknob in the drywall. Asuka glowers at it, still simmering. Her gaze sweeps over the rest of the room: the unmade bed, the books and clothes scattered on the floor. What right did _he_ have, she thinks, to make his room as messy as hers was? He hadn’t been taken off the program; he hadn’t, in the end, been left as Asuka was: helpless, despite piloting being the one thing she could excel at.

Her fist slams into the door, rattling it by the hinges. Shinji isn’t here, but it feels like he is, somehow. The ghost of something pathetic and forlorn wanders this place, calls to something in Asuka’s soul.

As Asuka withdraws across the hall, pushing the door aside to her own room, it occurs to her that this ghost might just be her. She shoves the door, and its handle clicks indignantly against the wall. Asuka pushes it aside as it swings back towards her, and this time it doesn’t even reach the wall.

“Now that’s just sad,” she says, or maybe she thinks it, climbing atop the aged frame of her bed and pulling the covers over her. They’re so thin, they might as well not be there at all, but at least it’s something. This room and this bed are still here, and that has to mean something, too: what, Asuka doesn’t know. Shinji would say something hopeful, and Rei, if she said anything at all, would think of it as the way things were.

Asuka turns onto her side, yanking her pillow closer with a frown. From somewhere below in the building there comes a creaking sound: a rusted part giving way, or perhaps the building settling. Asuka shuts her eyes, trying to ignore it and the unwelcome thoughts assailing her mind. She came here to find some rest and to be shielded from the strangely purple sky, not to lie awake watching water drip from the hairline cracks in the walls and the ceiling.

Asuka presses her cheek against her pillow, sinking into it, the heaviness of her fatigue weighing her down. Like this, it’s easy to ignore the noises that the building makes. She could fall asleep here, and perhaps never wake up: she imagines it’d be something like walking back into the sea-

There’s a shift in the bed, the way it feels. Asuka doesn’t need to turn around to know what that weight, light but unmistakable, is. The answer she’d get is in the gentle sound of Rei’s breathing and the chill that’s on her skin as she bumps against Asuka’s back. Their contact sends something warm flaring in Asuka’s chest: tiny motes of anger, and something else she can’t find a name for. Her hands, no longer clenched, grip the hem of her shirt as she tries to distance herself from Rei. There isn’t enough space between her and the wall for it; she’s left with Rei to her back and the dismal grey of the wall in front of her.

It reminds her, in a way, of Shinji. Only, he hadn’t had it in him to ever be this close to her, to touch her, to hold her. Rei, braver than Shinji? The thought’s never crossed Asuka’s mind before, but it must hold some merit. She doesn’t remember Rei hesitating, only that resolute, emotionless way in which she’d carried out her orders. She’d been better than Asuka in that respect.

And that isn’t surprising at all. It wouldn’t be the first time Asuka had been surpassed by a doll. She squeezes her eyes tightly shut, trying to filter out the sound of Rei’s measured breaths, searching for the noises of the building to drown it out. But they’re nowhere to be found, and Asuka is left lying awake, listening to Rei and the echoes of her own thoughts, which remind her incessantly of a doll, spinning in a circle, held up by only a rope around its neck.

* * *

Rei’s waiting by the door when Asuka gets up, standing on the bed and jumping off it to avoid having to touch the half that Rei slept on. It’d been too much to hope that Rei might leave, that she wouldn’t somehow know where Asuka had gone.

“Why are you still here?” Asuka screams at her from across the living room. Rei doesn’t answer, silently observing as Asuka’s foot collides with a table, hurtling it towards a wall upon which it shatters. “Why won’t you leave me alone!?”

She doesn’t know why she’d hoped Rei might respond this one time. Rei doesn’t; just watches, her face perfectly blank. When she does move, it’s to follow Asuka: out the door, down the stairs, into the empty, debris-cluttered streets.

Asuka doesn’t bother looking back to see if Rei’s tagging along, or even if she’s still within sight. Rei will find her, somehow, without a doubt. If she can’t lose Rei in the city, then she’ll walk until she hits the sea, and if Rei persists, then maybe Asuka will, too, and see what happens. It might take her back, as it has in her dreams (and in her dreams it had either her mother’s voice, or Rei’s; what was that supposed to mean?).

Asuka staggers on a snag in the road; catches herself on a slab of upraised concrete. The faster she gets to the ocean, she thinks, the sooner she’ll be rid of Rei. She wants her gone- why? Because she’s so much like a doll, because Asuka doesn’t _want_ any company; she’d been by herself for most of her life, and there’s no need for anyone now, at the end of the world. Forget that memory, which might not even have been real, of Rei’s skin slowly warming as the night grew longer. Forget the distant look in her eyes that’s been there whenever Asuka met her gaze, that reminds Asuka so much of herself.

Her steps slow; her feet grow heavier, and there are waves splashing against her calves: she’s here. Asuka walks out until the water’s up to her waist, white foam collecting in a ring around her plugsuit. She turns around, and there’s the miniscule figure of Rei, still picking its way through the ruins. Dressed in only her school uniform, Rei has no protection against the sharp, rough edges of the broken city, and yet her skin is unblemished. That’s just another reason to loathe her, to want her gone. Below the surface of the water, Asuka’s hands form into fists again.

Rei’s barely reached the edge of the beach when Asuka begins to shout at her. For once, a sliver of emotion: a look of bewilderment darts across her face. It’s gone by the time Rei’s crossed the sand and begun to enter the water, paying no mind to it. Somehow, Asuka wouldn’t be surprised if Rei’s clothes stayed dry, shielded from the water by the sheer indifference of their wearer.

“Why are you doing this?” Asuka surges forward towards the shore, meeting Rei halfway and seizing her by the front of her uniform shirt. Her damp hand leaves a stain on the fabric, a slowly spreading dark patch. “Why don’t you go bother Shinji, huh? What do I have that makes you so- interested!”

Asuka shoves Rei back, kicking up a spray of water between them. The red ribbon from Rei’s shirt, caught in Asuka’s fist, has been yanked free and dangles limply from between her fingers. Rei, a good foot away, has caught her balance. She stares at Asuka warily, at the flickers of anger within her eyes and the way she stands with squared shoulders, as if she’s expecting Rei to try and fight back.

“I…” Rei begins. It’s nearly lost in the pounding of the waves on the beach. Asuka steps closer as Rei speaks again: “I wanted to apologize.”

“For what?” snaps Asuka. “Being perfect? Being a doll? You finally gonna admit it?”

“I could have done more for you. I did not. I allowed myself to be bound by orders-”

“And you did a pretty good job of it, didn’t you?”

Asuka continues her advance, until there’s only the space of a breath between them. She glares down as best as she can with the sea spray stinging her eyes. For once, Rei isn’t looking back. She’s gazing down into the sea, as if trying to find in it something that might calm Asuka down.

“It was always _you_ who was the good pilot. The First, who follows orders; who thinks something like _‘open your heart to EVA’_ is the right thing to say-”

“It was not my intent to hurt you, Asuka-”

There’s a second of impeccable clarity before Rei breaks the surface of the water. She sees Asuka, eyes alight with rage; sees the hands reaching out, wrapping tightly around her neck. The force of Asuka’s body colliding with hers knocks Rei off her feet, and she goes under.

“Don’t _call_ me that!” Asuka screams. Even through the water, she knows Rei must have heard her. “You don’t get to! You’ve never done anything that wasn’t what you were ordered, have you? You’ve never thought about anything other than orders, and now you think you get to tell me that you never meant to hurt me?”

Asuka shakes her head, trying to rid herself of the stinging in her eyes. On her knees in the midst of the waves, the spray is getting into them: that’s what’s going on, she tells herself. Her fingers close tighter around the curves of Rei’s neck, determined to resist the numbing cold of the water. In the back of her mind, a voice: familiar, close, just like Rei’s had been at the landslide. _I don’t need anyone else. I’ll live on my own._

“I don’t want you following me, you hear me?” Asuka squeezes tighter, setting her jaw. “I don’t want you to pretend to care! I want you to leave me alone!”

Rei’s hands break the surface of the water, reaching blindly upward. Asuka draws herself away from their reach, but it’s not her neck that Rei grabs on to. Her fingers descend down Asuka’s arm, wrapping around her wrists, and stop. They don’t try to pull Asuka’s hands away, but wait, simply holding her, their grip growing weaker with each pulse of the sea against them.

Now a different thought works across Asuka’s mind. Rei is touching her, has touched her, and wants nothing. She might want Asuka to let go, but beneath the waves her eyes are closed, and her face is peaceful. She looks like she might be waiting for Asuka to release her, so the sea could take her and bear her somewhere else.

Another wave beats against them, and Rei’s hands finally slip loose of Asuka’s, splashing back into the water. Asuka’s reminded, fleetingly, of another moment like this: on the beach, instead of in the ocean, when there had been only two people in the world.

Rei isn’t sitting up. She should be coming out of the water, coughing; something other than this present stillness. Asuka grabs her under the arms, pulling her out of the sea. She only stops when they’re halfway up the beach, far out of the reach of the water, where she collapses next to Rei’s inert body. She’s back where she started, just with Rei instead of Shinji.

Gazing at Rei, splayed out against the sand, Asuka is struck with a different wave: loathing. It crashes upon her, plummeting her heart into her stomach. Rei hadn’t been lying then, when she’d said she was sorry. She’s the only one who apologized to Asuka, and Asuka hurt her instead.

It was a mistake to come here, Asuka thinks. Maybe now, with Rei asleep on the sand, she’ll be able to slip into the city undetected and find some place of her own. Rei wouldn’t follow her now, not after this, for the same reason she and Shinji have avoided each other. Rolling onto her side, Asuka starts to stand, only for a tug on her shirt to pull her back down.

Rei, her eyes open and bright, inches across the sand, closing the distance between herself and Asuka. Her other arm slides beneath Asuka’s waist, curling against it, holding her from behind: Asuka turns away, but doesn’t try to get free. She could, if she wanted. Rei’s grip on her is tenuous at best; a sudden motion would shake her loose. Yet Asuka stays still, eyes fixed resolutely on a distant portion of the shore, not moving as Rei lays her chin against her shoulder. Her desire to leave is gone: if it means Rei will continue to touch her like this, without expectation, Asuka wants to stay.

Rei’s breath tickles the side of her face, reminiscent of a spring breeze. She says nothing, or perhaps she’s unable to, or waiting for Asuka to say something first.

They lie enveloped in the sound of rushing water, drifting between the ocean and the city. At last Rei lets go of Asuka’s shirt, but only to rest that arm on Asuka’s hip, joining her hands beneath Asuka’s arms. Asuka reaches back, not quite knowing what it is she’s looking for. Her hand meets Rei’s cheek, and Rei tilts her head into the touch. Her skin, Asuka notes, is warm, like the light of the sun.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Life In the Pain" by SafetySuit, thanks to Wesakechak and primitiveradiogoddess for betaing. 
> 
> I wanted to revisit classic 2014 asurei, this was my attempt, I guess.


End file.
